I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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