I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
