I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
