i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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