u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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