life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
