Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
