she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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