D3 body, D1 cock
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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