I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
