MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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