God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
