I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm always down for nudity.
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