i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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