I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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