Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
