I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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