I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
