I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
