thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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