dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
