I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
