i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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