Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
