Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
