just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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