Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
