he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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