Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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