got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
