one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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