when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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