I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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