perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
