got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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