Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
