I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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