I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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