Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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