somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
