Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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