I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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