I can text with my tongue
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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