The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
