Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
