Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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