Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
