guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Randomize
