I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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