I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
