you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize