How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
