i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
