I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
