You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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