I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
