I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
