Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
