Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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