I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
