OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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