Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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