i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
