She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
